End of Month Reflection: July

a lifestyle shot of make-up, flowers and jewellery

I seem to have missed out my June reflection; time is going too fast to keep up. I was doing well in June/July: I was exercising a lot more, eating well and - for the first time in a while - felt good within myself. Although my health has steadily remained on the positive track, and I have lost some of those extra pounds that were making me sluggish, August, albeit only a few days in, has catapulted my mind into a deserted land. My mind has this great power to switch moods incredibly fast, and it seems, something has gone a little haywire. I can't really explain these feelings, I just know they're a regular occurrence that make me question many things in my life. I suppose I had gotten used to feeling content, which over the last couple of months has been a breath of fresh air. I don't think I have ever felt content for as long as I have recently, so now I am questioning why I feel unsettled again. Chemical imbalances have always been the bane of my life, but I am learning to live with them and I feel stronger each day. I think what I am feeling is perfectly natural as it's a different kind of unsettled to previous times...


I have spent my life running away from change, abandoning anything that would induce such a notion, but recently I feel like that's the problem. Maybe it is. I need a change. I miss the determined girl I used to be; the girl who had so many dreams it was hard to stay awake. I used to never take no for an answer. If I wanted to do something, I would strive and work hard to accomplish it. In recent months, I am feeling lazy. I have become a slave to the easy option, the comfortable option, and ultimately I am resenting myself for that. I was never the girl that settled, so why am I doing that now? I need adventure, I need purpose and I need to feel like life is so exciting I can't keep up. I don't want to struggle, I don't want to be 'comfortable' and I certainly don't want to start regretting certain choices. I have decided I want to travel, work abroad, see the world and fall in love in a way that my feet can't touch the ground. I want to do all the cliched things that once gave me such hope, such light.

I am going to get back on track with the exercise as my mind is more free and elevated when I do so. I am also going to research into working abroad; the USA specifically. I am so scared of wasting my life, which is ironic because I remember a time so clearly that I wanted to give my life away completely and I would do anything, go anywhere just for a distraction from the misery I was feeling.  I have healed a lot since then, and at 23, feel like I need to fight for the life I want and not dwell on the bits I am not happy with. I'm worried that I should have done all these things when I was younger, as I am concerned that if I leave my current life and my low step, but step nevertheless, on the career ladder, that I will struggle to get back on. Maybe it's the risks of life that I need to embrace, who knows? I guess we will have to watch this space, because no one knows - not even me - what my own life holds... I just know something needs to change or I am going to be in the same situation when I am thirty. A bitter, lonely, broke, uncultured thirty year old is not who I want to be.


2 comments:

  1. I really hope August is a good month for you and that your feeling better again. I find exercise has an amazing effect for me when I feel awful, stressed or overwhelmed. I never want to go for a run but every time I do I can actually feel the bad feelings lifting away, you would think I'd remember that and it would motivate me to run more but no!

    thriftylilpixie.blogspot.ie

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  2. Love this! As you said, it's only a few days in, so there is still time to make August YOUR month!

    I've also been looking into saving up enough to go live in California for 3 months next year. Of course, I won't be able to work there - oh, if someone could just sponsor me for a visa already! -, but it'd be fun! If you ever want to join me, let me know!

    - Elodie x
    www.elle-yeah.com

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